I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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