Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
