What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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