Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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