I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
