i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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