2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
