i would punch a child for taco bell
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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