Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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