is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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