Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
