so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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