My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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