Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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