Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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