I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
