Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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