Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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