GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
