I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
