woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize