I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
