Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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