U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
