Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize