I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
