dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
