I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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