I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Alive.
So much puke
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
