He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
