My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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