I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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