I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
