I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
