i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
