And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize