Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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