Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
