Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
