call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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