the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
