I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
