Banned from zoo.
Again?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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