I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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