fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We're too hungover to prance.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
