I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
