Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
