Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
