mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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