8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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