So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
