Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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