I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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