My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
