I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
