I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize