I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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