Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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