I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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