It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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