when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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