Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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