I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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