I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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