Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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